Real American Hero: Sly and the AARP All-stars once again, answer the bell in the Expendables 2, an upgrade from the original but like a bad 80s porn gets bogged down in frivolous side stories.
by Ronald@thoughtsoncinema.com
Barney Ross and his Howling whiny middle aged Commandos wage war when psychopath mercenary stole a device that can track the plutonium in a lost former Soviet mine to make Iran or any rival to the USA into a nuclear power. The Expendables 2 was a major upgrade over the original Sunday nap, offering a lot of the showmanship and testosterone that long time fans of 80s Gun porn craved. What fans didn’t want, the 80s back story that never added to the ride but really drew it to a creeping halt. Nan Yu as Maggie amplified the sausage fest and reminded us that Stallone’s “Oh woe is me” gimmick has now evolved into a creepy Woody Allen with guns robbing a cradle. There should have been a line about the number of divorces Stallone went through that ultimately forced him to come out of retirement.
The savior of this film was Jean-Claude Van Damme as Jean Vill’ain, which was still a better name than Jar Jar Binks. Jean-Claude still had it. The swing kick/knife stunt was classic. His moves were poetry in motion. Van Damme’s panache and theatricality was a steroid injection that this retirement party sequel desperately needed. He was a credible threat amongst the red shirt villains. His cocaine fueled lines were the most enjoyable, “5 kilos of plutonium can change the world, imagine 5 tons…” If that didn’t reek of a deviated septum I don’t know what would be more transparent.
Inside jokes to every actor’s life and lifestyle didn’t stop with Jean-Claude’s lust to sniff Plutonium, Dolph Lundgren’s chemical engineering back ground and his fondness for mixed drinks, and Randy Couture’s cauliflower ear set up some catchy lines and comedic timing. On the other hand, Arnold Schwarzenegger was working off the rust with “I’m Back.”
Perhaps this movie suffered from Stallone’s blind love for that 80s action formula. The first 10 minutes of the Expendables 2 delivered action, explosions, gun porn, exploding heads and right camerawork. The movie should have stuck with one long battle, fighting their way out of the jungle. It would have better complimented the drop in guest star spots by Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, and former governor Schwarzenegger. Instead Stallone tried to plug in the inability to form attachments as the consequence of the lifestyle of a buff lone gun man. Emotional de-tachment was an excellent element if not for the fact there’s no weight pulled as these killers are exchanging catch phrases, cracking jokes at each other’s expense, and having a good ol’ time boozing it up at their watering hole. It’s that glaring flaw that convinced me that some things should remain in the past.
Guiltless gun porn and flaky personal problems have me convinced Expendables 2 is a PBR for nostalgia but nothing you don’t need to make a habit of.
Cheers,
Ron
